Starstruck Read online

  “Yeah. I’ve heard that.”

  Carter’s shoe scuffed softly on the board beneath their feet. “Turns out that’s a load of bullshit.”

  You don’t say.

  Levi swallowed hard. “Is that right?”

  “Yeah.” Oh God, he’s really close. “It is.”

  Levi could feel Carter breathing now—there was only one way this moment could go, but neither of them closed that sliver of space. One move, and this dream would be over. One touch, and he’d wake up alone and frustrated.

  Carter brushed Levi’s lip with his. The world didn’t suddenly shift back to Levi’s empty bedroom, so he let himself do the same, just grazing Carter’s mouth. The contact was brief but deliberate, each silently daring the other to be the decisive one. The one to take this from almost to finally.

  Carter pulled in a breath, rearranging the air between their lips. He started to draw away as if he were about to say something. Panic jolted Levi—come back!

  He grabbed the front of Carter’s shirt.

  Forgot all his nerves.

  And kissed him.

  They both froze. For a second—a minute? an hour?—they were completely still, lips pressed together but unmoving.

  Then Carter put a hand on Levi’s waist and tilted his head. As they came together again, they both parted their lips, opening to each other. Levi hadn’t realized how long it had been since he’d touched a man until right then, as Carter wrapped his arms around him and they let the kiss deepen at glacial speed.

  Levi ran his fingers through Carter’s hair, and he couldn’t say for certain who shivered, only that it drew their bodies closer together. They were both obviously aroused, only a few layers of clothing separating their erections, but there was something oddly chaste about the way they kissed. By all rights, they should’ve been tearing at each other’s clothes by now. One of them should’ve been on his knees. There should’ve been gasps and groans and orgasms.

  But Levi was only distantly aware of the way they were touching below the belt. All his attention was centered on the tender motions of their lips and tongues, of the way Carter’s hair felt between his fingers—cool, but warm on the edges from the overhead lights.

  They pulled back almost as slowly as they’d come together. The stage lights picked out the beautiful blue of Carter’s heavy-lidded eyes. His cheeks were flushed—Levi had no doubt his were too.

  Then Carter gulped. “I’m, uh . . .” He drew back a little and stared down at their feet. “I’m . . .”

  Levi tipped Carter’s chin up with his finger. “What’s wrong?”

  Carter still resisted looking right at him. “I’m not gonna lie,” he whispered. “I’ve been fantasizing about you forever. But I don’t . . . I’m not one of those guys who . . .”

  “You don’t jump into bed with someone right away?”

  “Exactly.” Carter’s gaze flicked up, but only for a second. “I used to, but not anymore. It just gets too complicated, you know? I meet a guy, and suddenly we’re—”

  Levi silenced him with a gentle kiss. “It’s all right. I’m kind of the same way, to be honest.”

  Carter finally met his eyes. “Really?”

  “Yeah. Like you said, it tends to complicate things.”

  Carter nodded. “It does.” He drew back a little more. “So, uh, should we head down to that diner?”

  Levi swallowed. If they went anywhere now, they’d either be shyly avoiding eye contact, or gazing longingly into each other’s eyes until they had a private moment. With the rumor mill already grinding, and the powers that be watching for any reason to believe he was gay enough to fire, maybe they were better off staying behind closed doors. Even if behind closed doors meant too many opportunities to negate their resolution against going too far, too fast.

  “You probably have to be back on set early tomorrow, don’t you?”

  Carter scowled, but then sighed. “Unfortunately, yeah.” Expression softening, he met Levi’s eyes. “Damn it. I could’ve gone for a movie or two tonight.”

  “Yeah, me too.” But we never would’ve made it down to the theater like this, and we both know it. “Tomorrow night.”

  Carter nodded. “Tomorrow night.”

  Levi couldn’t resist running his fingers through Carter’s hot and cool hair once more. “Sorry things went so late. I didn’t mean to have you come here for nothing.”

  “Nothing?” Carter smiled, wrapping his arms around Levi again. “I don’t think this counts as nothing.”

  Levi didn’t argue.

  He just let Carter pull him into another long, gentle kiss.

  Did that really happen?

  Carter couldn’t sleep. He still wasn’t sure how he’d made it home in one piece, and now he alternated between dreamily reliving that long center stage kiss—and the shorter one in the lobby right before they’d gone their separate ways—and wondering where they went from here.

  Why the hell didn’t I bring him home?

  He sighed. Right this very minute, he could’ve been lying beside Levi. They could’ve been dead asleep, or maybe working their way back to hot and heavy so they could go another round.

  Goddamn it. I could’ve made Levi come by now.

  He shivered.

  You had to tell him you don’t fuck right away.

  It was true, though. After a few too many hookups had become a little too complicated overnight, he’d backed away from the bedroom. He didn’t fuck guys he’d just met.

  Except he hadn’t just met Levi tonight. They’d been hanging out, talking, clicking. This wasn’t some guy he’d swapped numbers with in a club. This was the guy who’d been his faraway idol forever and was suddenly the guy taking up all of his downtime. Carter wouldn’t exactly be jumping into bed with a stranger.

  So . . . why am I here alone?

  Because I fucking choked.

  Damn it.

  On the other hand, it wasn’t as simple as kiss, fuck, and see where it goes. They were both very public figures—in spite of Levi’s best efforts to the contrary—and even if they wound up dating, they couldn’t date publicly. Not with the studio threatening Levi. Maybe after the first Max Fuhrman episodes aired, but they wouldn’t be shown for at least a year.

  Carter rubbed his eyes and groaned. Dating someone on the sly as a teenager had been too damned much stress. He’d promised himself after that relationship that he’d never play the secrecy game—and hiding it from dozens of cameras and millions of people would be a little tougher than hiding it from a boyfriend’s parents.

  And he loathed the idea of being a secret. Not just in relationships; he’d also been the reason his parents dreaded conversations with friends who might know what he was. Nothing in the world made him feel dirtier than being someone else’s taboo subject, and he refused to put himself in that position again.

  He wasn’t ashamed of his sexuality anymore. For God’s sake, he’d spent enough time in his own closet. He wasn’t volunteering for a stint in someone else’s.

  Not even Levi’s.

  By the next morning, he could no longer feel the tingle of Levi’s kiss on his lips, and the fluttery feeling in his stomach was long gone too. Though one look at Levi and he’d be back to that giddiness that had carried him home last night.

  But all the way to the set, as he sipped his coffee and tried like hell to keep his eyes open, he couldn’t conjure up the feelings he’d had while they’d been onstage together. Where there’d been nothing but excitement a few hours ago, there was only regret and worry. God help them if they’d slept together—he suspected this would’ve been the most awkward morning after in the history of sex.

  But they hadn’t slept together. They’d shared an impulsive kiss before making quick escapes. Funny how they’d been all set to get a late cup of coffee, but then it had suddenly been too late and they’d needed to get the hell out of there. Yeah, that was promising.

  As he pulled into the parking lot outside the warehouse/soundstage wh
ere the crew would be shooting today, Carter took a long swallow of coffee and promised himself he’d stop obsessing over all this shit. He went inside and topped off his coffee cup. Focus. Just focus. He could sort things out with Levi later on. Might as well get used to concentrating on lines and directions now while Levi was on his mind as opposed to standing in front of him.

  His stomach dropped. Oh God. They were going to be working together soon, weren’t they?

  Shit. Shit, shit, shit.

  What was I thinking last night?

  So what if the stage lights had made Levi even more irresistible? It had been a stupid, stupid thing to do. It wasn’t like they could date, and he’d known it. He’d run through every possible scenario in his mind well before his lips had ever touched Levi’s, and as long as Levi was closeted, and his role in Wolf’s Landing hinged on him staying that way . . . no.

  Carter swallowed a few more gulps of coffee, and then made himself concentrate on getting ready for his scenes. Usually, changing into Gabriel’s clothes—shirt and tie, sometimes a duster—was enough to put his mind into Gabriel’s head. He wasn’t one of those actors who stayed in character the entire time, but once he was here and dressed, once makeup had finished with him, he could slip into character at the drop of a hat.

  Today, he could barely stay in his own head, never mind Gabriel’s.

  It was just a kiss. Get a grip.

  Just a kiss? Yeah, right.

  After he’d dressed and visited the makeup department, he perused today’s script. Not a lot of scenes for him today, fortunately. The longest and most complicated was in the morgue. Well, at least then Anna wouldn’t be surprised if he flubbed his lines a few times. It was a running joke on the set that Carter would’ve made the world’s worst doctor because he couldn’t cope with big words. Oh, he was fine with big words in general, but he never had gotten the hang of effortlessly reciting medical jargon. Even when they were written out in big Sharpie printing on whatever file folder or clipboard his character was holding, he always managed to fuck up at least one. Which then meant he and Tina, who played the coroner, would be screwed for the next few takes while they kept bursting out laughing.

  Carter chuckled to himself. Those scenes were frustrating, but they were fun. Perfect thing for him to focus on today. Especially whatever the fuck he was supposed to say while turning a disembodied human heart over and over in his gloved hands. That was going to be—

  Goddamn it, he should’ve left his phone in the car.

  A mix of excitement and nerves swelled in his chest as he pulled the vibrating phone from his pocket and looked at the screen.

  Movie night?

  Oh Christ. That meant going to Levi’s house. So much temptation. Then again, it also meant they could talk candidly a few miles away from anyone who might care enough to write an article about it. Or take a picture of it.

  He typed back, I’m on set till 4. Meet you at 6?

  To talk, he reminded himself. To clear the air.

  His phone buzzed.

  6 works. See you then.

  On his way to Levi’s that afternoon, Carter didn’t have any trouble remembering exactly where to turn. Sometimes when he was going to a newish place, he’d stress over “Was it that left?” and “Did I just miss it?” and “Shit, am I on the wrong road?” He usually had to switch off the radio so he could concentrate.

  But he’d been down this road so many times, he knew every bend and landmark. He didn’t even have to look for a particular tree or mailbox to know when he needed to slow down or turn anymore. Radio thumping with some Europop track, he started down Levi’s driveway without a second thought, and pulled up in front of the amber cedar house.

  He turned the key, and as the radio and engine went silent, he couldn’t ignore his thundering heartbeat.

  Chill. There’s no reason we can’t just be friends.

  If Levi disagrees, then maybe we don’t need to be friends.

  Carter was halfway up the walk when Levi opened the front door. Their eyes met, Levi’s betraying absolutely nothing. Carter’s stomach flipped. The queasy feeling didn’t disappear in favor of that intoxicating giddiness. If anything, it worsened.

  He slowly continued up the walk and stopped an arm’s-length away from Levi, realizing a second too late they’d been just this far apart last night. Right before they’d gotten too close.

  Levi pulled in a deep breath. “Hey.”

  “Hey.”

  Well, at least he hadn’t imagined how weird this would make things between them. If Levi had thought everything was fine, they would’ve been kissing by now.

  Fuck you, goose bumps. Fuck every last one of you.

  Eye contact. Dropped gazes. Eye contact again.

  What the hell? They were grown men. They’d kissed. So what?

  “Um.” Levi cleared his throat. “Come on in.”

  Carter managed a slight smile, and then followed Levi.

  Link and Zelda were on the back of the couch, paws curled under them as they balanced their wide bodies over their narrow perch. They both raised their heads when Carter came in, but neither approached. In fact, as Levi and Carter made their way into the kitchen, Zelda hopped off the couch and trotted down the hall. After a moment, Link followed.

  Levi watched them leave, lips pulled tight. Carter’s stomach turned into a ball of lead. Jesus. Even the cats could feel how tense the air was between them.

  He slid onto one of the barstools at the kitchen island while Levi pulled his customary bottle of Coke from the fridge. He poured them each a glass, and for a moment, they drank in uncomfortable silence.

  And it’s not going to get any better until we do something about it.

  “So.” Carter swallowed. “Last night.”

  Levi stared into his glass. “Yeah. That was . . .”

  “Unexpected?”

  “Just a bit.”

  “Sorry.”

  “Don’t be.” Levi’s smile was still tense, but genuine. “I’m not.”

  You should be. So should I.

  “I’m not either, but . . .”

  Levi watched him, eyebrows up.

  “Look, I . . .” Carter exhaled. “You’ve got the studio putting demands on you, and if we . . .” His heart pounded. They’d kissed. That’s all. It wasn’t like anybody had broken out a ring and pledged their lifelong love or anything. “I don’t know how to word this, so just bear with me. You’re not in a position to come out, and I don’t even know if you want to anyway, but I can’t . . . I’ve been someone’s secret boyfriend before.”

  Levi stiffened.

  Carter gulped. “And I’m not saying last night means we’re committed or that this is going to turn into anything, but . . .” Could I ramble any more?

  “No, no, I understand.” Levi moistened his lips.

  “You do?”

  “Yeah.” Levi broke eye contact and scratched the back of his neck. “And I guess since the studio and the fucking paparazzi are watching me like a hawk, this probably isn’t a good idea.”

  Carter’s heart sank, but he wasn’t surprised. If anything, he was relieved Levi had said it first. “Yeah. Much as I’d like to . . .”

  Levi chewed his lip. “That, and with the way the media’s been sniffing around my personal life for years, if this comes out, it’s going to put you right in the middle of it.” He shook his head. “I don’t want to do that you.”

  “I don’t want to do it to you, either. I mean, give the media reason to dig into your personal life.” Carter fought the urge to put a reassuring hand on Levi’s arm. “You’ve got a lot on the line. If they’re holding your contract and future gigs over your head, what choice do you have?”

  Nodding, Levi avoided his eyes. “You know what’s funny? I told myself when I first sat down with Finn that I wasn’t going to play their games. I left Hollywood for a reason, and . . . fuck, now I’m right back where I was before. Bowing and scraping for the powers that be.”

  Carter wi
nced. “It’s bullshit, isn’t it?”

  “Yeah. The thing is, I’ve never regretted getting away from the business side of things, but I’ve missed acting so much. I’ve been doing it since I was a kid, and I . . . It was like I’d lost a huge part of who I am, you know?”

  Carter nodded. “I can’t even imagine what that would be like.”

  “Bad enough to make me play their fucking games.” Levi groaned and rubbed a hand over his face. “I want one piece of my identity back, so I’m hiding another. Yep, right back to where I was before I ditched LA.”

  Guilt twisted beneath Carter’s ribs. He hated that he was contributing to this, but what else could he do?

  “Anyway.” Levi took a swallow of Coke and set the glass down with a clink on the granite. “Guess this is the game we play when we work in showbiz. Sorry it’s—”

  “Don’t sweat it. It’s not your fault, and it’s not mine.” Carter forced a smile. “It’s just shitty timing, you know? You’re trying to get your foot back in the door. I get it.”

  Levi studied him for a moment, and finally relaxed a little. “Thanks for understanding.”

  “Don’t worry about it.” Carter paused. “I would still like to be friends, though.”

  “Me too.” Levi cracked a hesitant smile. “Besides, who else am I going to watch obscure foreign films with?”

  “Exactly. You know people are still going to speculate, right?”

  “Of course.” Levi laughed bitterly. “We didn’t go into this business to lead private lives, did we?”

  Scowling, Carter shook his head. “Didn’t realize how small the damned fishbowl would be, though.”

  “Tell me about it. But let them speculate.”

  As if we could stop them.

  Levi looked past Carter. “You know, it’s a nice night. Why don’t I throw together some dinner? We could eat out on the deck.”

  “Sure. Sounds good. Can I help with anything?”

  “No, you’re fine.” Levi smiled again, and Carter thought he almost winked as he added, “Just provide conversation.”

  Carter laughed. “That I can do.”